i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
