Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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