This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
