I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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