i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize