take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Let's get the cat blown out
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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