How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
