turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
