just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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