You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
