she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
