remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My pussy is not your playground.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
