i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
