I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
