Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I need moral support for this bender
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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