I want to have your abortion
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
