I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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