Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
