If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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