I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
