Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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