Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
