im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
