my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
