So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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