i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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