Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
