Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
