I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
