I faked an abortion last night.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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