the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
