Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
