I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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