I just cut my nipple shaving
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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