i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
