the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
