we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
