it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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