see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
