I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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