we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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