Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
