5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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