It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Screwed.edu
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize