It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
