If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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