I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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