my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
