i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
