Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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