My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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