im drinking this country out of the recession.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
