you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
