Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He did a backflip because drugs
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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