I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
