All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
